Marathoner’s Check List

1. Carbo load.
2. Drink water.
3. Avoid embarrassing untimely bowel evacuation.
4. Refrain from sobbing breakdown at mile 21.
5. Feign lucidity at finish line.

• 10. When you look down in the shower all you see is belly and the tip of your second toe.
• 9. You have a 0% chance of putting on your shoes without sitting in a chair.
• 8. You pull a hamstring going to get the mail.
• 7. You’re legs rub together so much you’re not allowed to enter California for fear of starting fires.
• 6. You have the only pair of D-cups that I don’t care to see.
• 5. You contemplate hopping in one of those scooters every time you walk through the doors at Wal-Mart.
• 4. Your idea of a “long run” is when the local gas station is out of cigarettes and you have to go across town to get a carton.
• 3. Your knees left a suicide note on the bathroom counter.
• 2. When you go over to your aunt’s house and sit on her cushioned toilet seat it sounds like a truck just let out its air brakes.
• 1. You were passed at your last 5K by the 7 year old kid picking up the cones at the end of the race.

These signs are giving me the feeling it’s going to be a tough run:

• 10. Breakfast…McDonalds. Lunch….McDonalds. Dinner…..McDonalds.
• 9. While waiting in the start corral you are wondering if wearing a brand new pair of shoes is a good idea.
• 8. Training program: 1 mile a day, 2 mile long run on the second Tuesday of next week.
• 7. You realize the night before that a marathon is 26.2 miles NOT 2.62.
• 6. At every aid station you take a gatorade, a water, and a nap.
• 5. Your training book is “You can finish a Marathon” by Richard Simmons.
• 4. You start to taper your training 6 months ahead of the race.
• 3. At mile 10 you realize the pain in your chest is the sad clown face of blood on your shirt from rubbing your nipples bare.
• 2. The strategy that you will be using for the race is to keep up with the Kenyans for 5 miles, bag the time, and take it easy from there.
• 1. Your race attire prominently says “Beer”.

• 10. You live in the United States and actually know how far a kilometer is.
• 9. You’re covered in lube and have no plans of sex.
• 8. There are two sets of blue jeans in your closet: one size for training season and one for off season.
• 7. You have the memory of a 95-year-old: you limp across the marathon finish in complete pain and start training for the next one two weeks later.
• 6. You can name the exact distance from your home to every landmark in town.
• 5. You’re 40 and you have a nickname.
• 4. You can eat 4,000 calories and still be negative calories for the day.
• 3. You could throw away your t-shirt at the end of the day and still go an entire year without having to buy a new one.
• 2. You realize a carrot is more than a vegetable.
• 1. You get excited about getting older because of the extra time you get in Boston.

Also see You Might be a Runner If…

• 10. You’re not embarrassed to show someone where your hamstring *really* hurts.
• 9. You could watch a whole marathon and not be bored.
• 8. You can use endorphins in a sentence.
• 7. You check out the running stores for the new styles.
• 6. You get excited when you hear that there is a new Gatorade flavor.
• 5. You keep track of your shoes’ mileage.
• 4. You get up earlier on weekends to run than you do on weekdays for school/work.
• 3. You think of distances in terms of mile repeats.
• 2. You always consider chafing while dressing yourself.
• 1. Your friends know to never call you after 8:30pm.

Also check out 10 Signs You Might Be a Runner.