‘Lists & Humor’ Archive

Marathoner’s Check List

T-shirt seen recently at a running store:

10. When you look down in the shower all you see is belly and the tip of your second toe.
9. You have a 0% chance of putting on your shoes without sitting in a chair.
8. You pull a hamstring going to get the mail.
7. You're legs rub together so much you're not allowed to enter California for fear of starting fires.
6. You have the only pair of D-cups that I don't care to see.
5. You contemplate hopping in one of those scooters every time you walk through the doors at Wal-Mart.
4. Your idea of a "long run" is when the local gas station is out of cigarettes and you have to go across town to get a carton.
3. Your knees left a suicide note on the bathroom counter.
2. When you go over to your aunt's house and sit on her cushioned toilet seat it sounds like a truck just let out its air brakes.
1. You were passed at your last 5K by the 7 year old kid picking up the cones at the end of the race.

These signs are giving me the feeling it's going to be a tough run:

10. Breakfast...McDonalds. Lunch....McDonalds. Dinner.....McDonalds.
9. While waiting in the start corral you are wondering if wearing a brand new pair of shoes is a good idea.
8. Training program: 1 mile a day, 2 mile long run on the second Tuesday of next week.
7. You realize the night before that a marathon is 26.2 miles NOT 2.62.
6. At every aid station you take a gatorade, a water, and a nap.
5. Your training book is "You can finish a Marathon" by Richard Simmons.
4. You start to taper your training 6 months ahead of the race.
3. At mile 10 you realize the pain in your chest is the sad clown face of blood on your shirt from rubbing your nipples bare.
2. The strategy that you will be using for the race is to keep up with the Kenyans for 5 miles, bag the time, and take it easy from there.
1. Your race attire prominently says "Beer".

10. You live in the United States and actually know how far a kilometer is.
9. You're covered in lube and have no plans of sex.
8. There are two sets of blue jeans in your closet: one size for training season and one for off season.
7. You have the memory of a 95-year-old: you limp across the marathon finish in complete pain and start training for the next one two weeks later.
6. You can name the exact distance from your home to every landmark in town.
5. You're 40 and you have a nickname.
4. You can eat 4,000 calories and still be negative calories for the day.
3. You could throw away your t-shirt at the end of the day and still go an entire year without having to buy a new one.
2. You realize a carrot is more than a vegetable.
1. You get excited about getting older because of the extra time you get in Boston.

10. You're not embarrassed to show someone where your hamstring *really* hurts.
9. You could watch a whole marathon and not be bored.
8. You can use endorphins in a sentence.
7. You check out the running stores for the new styles.
6. You get excited when you hear that there is a new Gatorade flavor.
5. You keep track of your shoes' mileage.
4. You get up earlier on weekends to run than you do on weekdays for school/work.
3. You think of distances in terms of mile repeats.
2. You always consider chafing while dressing yourself.
1. Your friends know to never call you after 8:30pm.